YOU NEVER FAIL UNTIL YOU STOP TRYING

It goes black before my eyes. Oxygen seems unable to reach my lungs, I exhale and feel tingling in my head. A bite of vomit reaches my mouth and I let myself fall forward. I grasp at the shooting pain in my abdomen and lower myself through my knees.

‘Call an ambulance!’ the girl shouts from behind the bread rack. I scramble up, mutter that I'll be fine and waddle to my car in the car park. I leave my shopping trolley in the shop for a while today. I look in my rear view mirror and my eyes fill with tears. They say crying is good for you but my throat swells and hurts. I whisper to my late mother; ‘Please mum, help me out here on earth, I have such a full head.’

That night I dream. Mum takes my head in her hands and kisses me with her red-painted lips. Her dark eyes look at me piercingly and she points to a clock. A small smile curls around her mouth. ‘Even movie stars need to take good care of themselves, now is the time.’

The next morning, I schedule an emergency meeting with the Pavone team. Something has to change. I have to officially leave surgery. Elise looks at me piercingly during the meeting and says she has been working for a year to get me out of the office so I can visit all the specialists. She is right. Sometimes truths can chafe a little like it hurts. The micro manager in me may die. Just today.

How did it come to this? I have come to the simple conclusion of officially being a perfectionist. I set impossible demands and every bamboo slip has to go through my own hands to check. Why? I have a fear of failure. And really, there is only one way I can truly fail and that is to give up. Sorry, not sorry Tena, so we won't do that.

How to proceed now? I want to grow and develop even more. Both personally and with Pavone. I want to reach even more women and men. And graduation, another few months of hard work and then I will have my degree as a fashion designer.

Dear Pavone customers, from today I will no longer answer your questions, take phone calls or lovingly wrap packages. However, I will remain visible during trade fairs and every new bamboo item will be designed by me. I am taking a step back and with that a very big step forward. After all, it's madness to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results, according to the enlightening words of our great friend, Albert Einstein.

Love,

Janneke